The testimony of many couples seeking a divorce is simply: “We don’t love each other any more.” I know a marriage counselor who responds to that explanation with: “Terrific! Now you can get down to the business of what marriage is really about.” He then explains to them the difference between romantic love and Biblical commitment.
We have been taught that our feelings are supreme and therefore, must be obeyed. If I don’t feel love then the relationship must be doomed. But in Paul’s love chapter he isn’t concerned about feelings, he is concerned about actions. In explaining the nature of love Paul used verb after verb, shouting that love is fundamentally about what we do, not how we feel.
C.S. Lewis has observed that we do not naturally like everyone. And he advised: “Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did.” But isn’t that hypocrisy? Only if you are doing it for show. As Paul explains in Colossians we are to “dress up” with deeds of love: “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Like children who are learning to be adults by putting on Mom’s and Dad’s clothing, we are putting on Christ’s clothes so that our love will grow up. As Lewis explains: “Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already.” We often must ignore negative feelings while we get busy serving the other person:
- I give up a golf game because I know my wife needs help -- not because passionately want to help her.
- I learn the names of the children of my nemesis at work so that I can ask about their welfare.
- I help an elderly neighbor shovel his driveway in spite of his grouchiness toward my kids.
- I make a phone call to talk with a friend who has seemed cold and distant lately.
Such acts eventually lead to a deep love because God is at work beside us and within us to transform us.
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